Funny jokes
   
Funny jokes that are Wizard
 






Q: What's a Blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-Me, Dump-Me.

Q: Which of the following doesn't fit: AIDS, cancer, a condominium, gonorrhea.
A: Gonorrhea. You can get rid of gonorrhea.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: After you can drop your load in it, it won't follow you around for a week.

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and his elbow pokes her in her more than ample breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
436."

Q: What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor?
A: "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q: What does a girl call skinny dipping?
A: Fucking a guy with a pencil dick.

The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School

16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a
game of "Lord of the Flies."
15> Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some
waterpaints, and no pants.
14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"
13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward
prize.
11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the
Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in
brochure.
9> Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
8> Two words: Full Montessori
7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin
bottle.
6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in
20 seconds flat.
5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little
bastard keeps getting into my tequila."
1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps"
and "hos."


Q: Did you hear that Spike Lee is making his first black Western?
A: It's called "Hi-yo, Motherfucker."

Q: Why do men find it so difficult to make eye contact with women?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and
the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into
tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no
Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I'll got nothing left to
believe in!"

An interviewer asked Stevie Wonder how he felt about being born
blind. "Well, it could have been worse. I could have been born black!"

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo!"

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
6:40 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
7:00 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless)
crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy
Ireland.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns-
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963) 20 oz.New York
steak.
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart--dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off
your clothes?" he smirked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable
to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and
flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed
beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and
found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs,
she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My
boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I
can do for you...he's in too far."

Daffynition: Psychceramic - a crackpot.

Q: What are the two most vital holes in a woman's body?
A: Her nostrils, so she can breathe in between squirts.

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell
off.
He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he
looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what
to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young
ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now
sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He
jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty
redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini
bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let
me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"


Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Because of a bad case of haemorrhoids, a fag went to his doctor. The
physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them
the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the
bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to
line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked
his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!"

Q: What did the blind-mute-quadraplegic get for his birthday?
A: Cancer.

Q: Why do you often see faggots chewing gum?
A: Because they can't buy a pack of come.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't get assholes until they get married.

The new prostitute just finished her first trick. When she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear
the details.
She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, and handsome marine."
"So, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much."
"So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much
either."
"Finally I said, well, how much money do you have?"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
He agreed, and after payment, she said "He pulled it out and I put one
hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first
hand above the second hand....."
"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge! Then what
did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.


One day, God calls on Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good
news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a
penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you
enough blood to operate one organ at a time."

Q: How are your dog and your blonde girlfriend alike?
A: They both got the same thing on their IQ test...drool.

Q: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs, but a 12 inch dick?
A: Partially handicapped.

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun -
they just can't remember who with.

Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A: A documentary.

Q: What's the difference between Virginia and Arkansas?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In Arkansas it's a misdemeanor.

Q: Why is it so difficult to pronounce "fellatio?"
A: It's quite a mouthful.

Kosovo jokes
--------------------
Q: What is the best way to cremate Albanian refugees?
A: With friendly fire.

Q: How are Clinton and Oliver Stone alike?
A: They both work hard to recreate Vietnam.

Q: How are Madeline Albright and Monica Lewinsky alike?
A: They both suck at their jobs.

Q: What is the technical term for the care packages we're sending to the
Albanian refugees?
A: The Tomahawk.


6. Why did NATO continue bombing through Easter?
_
_
_
_
Apparently, Ramadan is the only bomb-free holiday that Clinton recognizes.

Q: What constitutes a Jewish American Princess' breakfast?
A: Diet coke and a jelly roll.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

The Truth About Men (according to a woman
who, unfortunately for her, has never met me)


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do
the dishes?
Both of them.
*****
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
*****
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
*****
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
*****
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
*****
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow.
****
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married Women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
*****
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.

Q: What did the fag do when he found out his boyfriend was a leper?
A: He shit a dick.

The Pope and the Queen of England were guests of honor at a ceremony
commemorating the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd was enormous! Her
Majesty and His Holiness couldn't help but feel a little competitive, being
heads of their respective churches.

The Queen said to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of
my hand I can make every English subject in the crowd go wild?" He looked
a little dubious, so she demonstrated. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave
elicited rapture and loud cheering from every English national in the
crowd. Gradually the cheering subsided.

The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by anyone wearing a worse frock and hat
than he, considered what he might do. Finally he said to the Queen, "Your
Majesty, that was most impressive. But did you know that with one little
gesture of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with
joy? And THEIR joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will spring from deep in their hearts. They will speak
forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their
grandchildren and they to their descendents in turn for generations.

The Queen seriously doubted this, and said so. "All that with one little
little gesture of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.


Q: What do you call a female peacock?
A: A peacunt.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
========================

-- Short version:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut
to see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohican.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
============================

Long version: (sorry, there is no short version with women)
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this
morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the
temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're
getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that
steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with
83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with
83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband
has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes
as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and
you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to
bedroom.

Q: What is brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.

Q: What is the most difficult part of the operation of changing a man into
a woman?
A: The final step: sewing in the anchovies.

A guy was having dinner on his first date with a blonde, and as he
poured wine into her glass, said, "Tell me when."
"After dinner, just like always," she answered.

Q: How do you get a bunch of Mexicans out of your house?
A: Tell them a Taco Bell truck is overturned on the freeway.

Q: Did you hear what the Polack Pope's first miracle was?
A: He made a blind man deaf.

Q: Did you hear about the latest product tampering scare in San Francisco?
A: Some guy put Super Glue in tubes of K-Y Jelly.

Q: How do you hush a gay baby?
A: Cram a pacifier in his asshole.

Q: What do you call a Mexican female who has no legs?
A: Cuntsuelo.

Q: What are the seventy chores a woman must do?
A: Cooking and 69.

Q: What are the first four words every Puerto Rican child must learn?
A: "Give me your wallet!"

Two cowboys, one from Montana, one from California, were riding the range
when they came across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, trying to
get free. Seeing his opportunity, the cowboy from Montana drops his pants
walks over to the sheep and screws it. When he was done, the cowboy from
Montana asked the cowboy from California if he wanted to try it, so the
cowboy from California stuck his head in the fence.

Q: Did you hear what happened to the guy in the black tavern who yelled "Fire"?
A: Everybody did.

Q: Why don't lesbians ever wear yellow?
A: Because they don't like to have pedestrians yell, "Taxi!" at them.

Q: Why do you always stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face.

Q: What is the real reason Arab women wear veils?
A: So they can blow their noses without having to use their hands.

Q: What is the Jewish definition of a "10?"
A: A girl with four limbs and 6 million dollars.

Q: Why don't flies bother Polacks?
A: Even flies have some pride.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at
how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.]
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but
there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to
you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author
doesn't know *my* dog.]
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

Q: How long does a Jewish American Princess spend in finishing school?
A: Once she finds a husband, she's finished.

Three women were sitting in a gynecologist's office waiting for their
respective appointments. All were knitting tiny sweaters for their
soon-to-be newborns.
The first exclaimed "I'm taking iron so my baby will be strong."
The second exclaimed "I'm taking iron and calcium so my baby will be
strong AND heave healthy bones."
The third exclaimed "I'm taking Thalidomide because I forgot how to knit
the sleeves on this dammed thing..."

Q: Why did Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson finally get divorced?
A1: She wanted children. So did he.
A2: She liked to suck big dicks, he liked to suck little dicks.
A3: The night he got rushed to the hospital was the first time she
had ever seen him in bed.
A4: He was always getting into her makeup.

Q: How can you discern an Italian woman in a cow pasture?
A: She's the one without a bell.

Q: How can you tell that a Polack has wandered into the forest?
A: All the bears are lighting fires to drive him back out.

Q: How does a romance novel in Harlem end?
A: The guy gets the heroin.

Q: What is a Jewish American Princess's definition of a menage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and a hardon.

Q: What term describes raping a Jewish American Princess?
A: Raiding the ice box.

Q: What do you get when you come inside a Jewish American Princess?
A: Ice cream.

Q: What is the most common STD among Jewish American Princesses?
A: Headaches.

Q: Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?
A: So she can pretend she's shopping.

Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?
A: Your face or mine?

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted
a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,
and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic
harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to
find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you
keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the
bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't
need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands
the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the
bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents
house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it
will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the
girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we
go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right
smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty
dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it
on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and
has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says
a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take
care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The
father stands up and shouts:
"All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

Q: Why should you never go to a Chinese abortionist?
A: Because half an hour later, she'd be pregnant again.

Q: Why don't Jewish American Princesses ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put
diamonds on the floor.

Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers?
A: It is known as the "My Fault" policy.

Q: What is the insensitive base of the penis called?
A: The man.

A WASP high school senior was visiting the campus of Yale with her
black classmate from the ghetto. As they were walking along, a very
distinguished upper class male passed them in the opposite direction.
"Oh, look, LaSqueesha!" the WASP said. "Don't you just love a man
with a pipe?"
"No, you stupid white bitch," was the reply. "Ah loves him wiff mah
pussy."

Q: Where does a Mexican woman go to get an abortion?
A: To Orkin's.

A Puerto Rican, who was new to New York walked up to a beautiful
woman on the street, and asked, "Do you know where Central Park is?"
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Too bad. Well, I guess I'll just have to rape you right here."

Q: How do you know that a leper used your shower?
A: The bar of soap is bigger.

Q: Did you hear about the Polack who got fired from his job of cleaning
the toilets in casinos in Reno?
A: He was skimming off the top.

Q: What is different about little girls in a child molester's home?
A: They was ate before they was seven.

Q: Did you hear about the new book of fairy tales in ebonics?
A: It's called Motherfucker Goose.

Q: What do you call people who don't believe in extreme Fairy Tales?
A: Republicans.

Q: Did you hear what the primary way is Slick Willie abuses his wife?
A: He stays married to her.

Q: Why did Robin Givens usually used to be black and blue?
A: Because Mike Tyson customarily knocks before he enters.

Q: How can you tell if a Pollack has been drinking from the toilet?
A: His breath smells better.

Q: Why do Democrats give such good head?
A: Because, as we have recently seen, they'll swallow anything.

When Jesse Jackson started becoming financially secure from his speech-
making, he decided to help out his own family by giving them work, so he
hired his mother to clean his house.
Unfortunately, he had to fire her for stealing.

Q: What is the worst mistake Slick Willie ever made with Monica Lewinsky?
A: Not letting Teddy Kennedy drive her home.

Q: What do a tomcat on the prowl and a desperate poker player have in common?
A: They both put everything they have into the kitty.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody else.

Some kid is playing by the side of the road when a car pulls up beside
him. The driver winds down the window and says,"Little boy, little boy.
If i give you a sweet will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Give me the whole bag and I'll cum in yer face!"

Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
 
Pickup Lines
Pickup Lines
1.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled
heap next to my bed.
2.
Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?
3.
You have some nice jewelry. It would look
great on my nightstand.
4.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
5.
[Look at her shirt label. When they say,
"What are you doing?":] Checking to see if
you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see
if you're the right size.
6.
If I told you that you had a great body,
would you hold it against me?
7.
Nice t*ts. Mind if I feel them?
8.
I love every bone in your body - especially
mine.
9.
I like every muscle in your body, especially
mine.
10.
[Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat
taken?
11.
You got nice breasts, but what color are
your nipples? Brown or Pink?
12.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
13.
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my
underwear.
14.
Really like your peaches, wanna shake your
tree.
15.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of
it?
16.
Do you want to see something swell?
17.
[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my
leg.
18.
I'd look good on you.
19.
I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you?
Would you like some?
20.
Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a
woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I
don't know.) "'Cause they're mine
sweetheart."
21.
There must be something wrong with my eyes,
I can't take them off you.
22.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the
only ten I see!
23.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
24.
HI! Can I buy you a car?
25.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want
the money?.
26.
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap
and we'll talk about the first thing that
pops up?
27.
Motion with your finger for a girl to come
over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I
fingered you long enough you would cum."
28.
Excuse me. Do you want to f*ck or should I
apologize?
29.
Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50
feet of garden hose?
30.
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f*ck?
[Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like
pizza?
31.
Excuse me, have I f*cked you yet?
32.
I am a magical being, take off your bra.
33.
My name's [your name]. That's so you know
what to scream.
34.
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your
heart.
35.
I'm new in town. Could you give me
directions to your apartment?
36.
F*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name
Gretchen?
37.
That's a nice shirt, it would go great with
my floor.
38.
I think we have to make love on the front
lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
39.
I love you. I want to marry you. Now f*ck my
brains out.
40.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids!
Let's play gynecologist.
41.
NOW, BITCH!
42.
Say, did we go to different schools
together?
43.
Do I know you from somewhere, because I
don't recognize you with your clothes on?
44.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone
stole the stars from the sky and put them in
your eyes.
45.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause
you've got a nice set of buns.
46.
I had a friend who used to hand out phone
cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep
with me." And watch them try to hold back
their laughter.
47.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with
me?
48.
What do you like for breakfast?
49.
Would you like to have morning coffee with
me?
50.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want
to call my mom and tell her I just met the
girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your
mother and thank her.
51.
Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer]
Can I?
52.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
53.
Wanna f*ck like bunnies?
54.
Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
55.
Would you like to dance or should I go f*ck
myself again?
56.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting
lost in your eyes.
57.
Your place or mine?
58.
Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long
way from here.
59.
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and
I guess how much you weigh.
60.
I'm on fire. Can I run through your
sprinkler?
61.
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
62.
Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it
takes two gods to make a godess.
63.
If your right leg was Christmas and your
left leg was Easter, would you let me spend
some time up between the holidays?
64.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?)
'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
65.
Do you know the essential difference between
sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go
upstairs and talk.
66.
What does it feel like to be the most
beautiful girl in this room?
67.
How about you and I go back to my place and
get out of these wet clothes?
68.
Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one?
[Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come
and talk to me.
69.
I'm easy. Are you?
70.
Are we related? Do you want to be?
71.
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone
number, could I borrow yours?
72.
I'm leaving this place..want to cum?
73.
Come on, you can't get pregnant again.
74.
Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever
want to cum across!
75.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry
for fear of losing you.
76.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place
like this?
77.
I am conducting a feel test of how many
woman have pierced nipples?
78.
Is it that cold out or are you just
smuggling tic-tac's.
79.
Pardon me but I was just about to go home
and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd
mind if I fantasize about you?
80.
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight
between us.
81.
You smell wet. Let's Party.
82.
Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you
have cum in your hair.
83.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I
have the box it came in?
84.
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies,
whip out your `pud' and say: Hey Charlie,
see anyone here you recognize?
85.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're
beginning to look pretty good.
86.
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty
bucks?
87.
My friend and I have a bet that you won't
take off your blouse in a public place.
88.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean
much when you have a weak heart.
89.
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would
you mind if we shared a cab home together?
90.
What's your sign?
91.
You have the *ss of a great artist.
92.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come
over and talk to you.
93.
Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
94.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like
my Gatorade.
95.
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
96.
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to
sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
97.
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
98.
Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
99.
What was that sound?" "It was the sound of
my heart breaking.
100.
I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use
your body?
101.
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an
ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
102.
Do you know, your hair and my pillow are
perfectly color coordinated.
103.
Have you ever played leap frog naked??
104.
I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get
all your clothes off in 30 seconds.
105.
Since we shouldn't waste this day and age
what you say we use these condoms in my
pocket before they expire.
106.
Would you like to see me naked??
107.
Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul!
108.
Do you know the difference between a
hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do
lunch!
109.
I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next
to you, the Pretty Woman.
110.
Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you
better?
111.
Do you spit or swallow?
112.
So....How am I doin'?
113.
I would give you a piece of my mind but I
have much more of something else.
114.
Your legs must be tired because you've been
running through my mind all night.
115.
I would kill or die to make love with you.
116.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll
tell everyone we did anyway.
117.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back
to my place and spread the word.
118.
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
119.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
120.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your
hand.
121.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
122.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U
and I together.
123.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put
you between F and CK
124.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was
further south.
125.
I had a wet dream about you last night.
Would you like to make it a reality?
126.
I know I don't look like much now, but I'm
drinking milk.
127.
Free mammograms, get your free mammograms
here, get 'em while they're hot!
128.
Do you come here often?
129.
Where do you live?
130.
Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching
you...
131.
Where have you been all my life?
132.
Would you like to join me in the Bahamas
next week?
133.
Think you can dance in those shoes?
134.
(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to
me, as long as you don't talk about it."
135.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm
ridiculous or anything, but you are the most
beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just
felt like I had to tell you."
136.
Why don't you surprise your roommate and not
come home tonight?
137.
I can sense that you're a terrific lover,
and it intimidates me a little.
138.
I know a great way to burn off the 300
calories in that pastry you just ate.
139.
When she asks, for a match. How about the
hair on my head and the hair between your
legs?
140.
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the
time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
141.
At the office copy machine. "Reproducing
eh?" "Can I help?"
142.
Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
143.
You see my friend over there? [Point to
friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He
wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
144.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
145.
Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down.
146.
Those are nice jeans, do you think I could
get in them?
147.
What do you say we go back to my room and do
some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes,
divide your legs, and multiply.
148.
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me
breakfast.
149.
Wow! Are those real?
150.
Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
151.
You've got to refer me to your plastic
surgeon.
152.
I have had a really bad day and it always
makes me feel better to see a pretty girl
smile. So, would you smile for me?
153.
Do you take it up the *ss?
154.
Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or
are you just glad to see me?
155.
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
156.
I'm drunk.
157.
You know, I'd really love to f*ck your
brains out, but it appears someone beat me
to it.
158.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
159.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get
something straight between us.
160.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or
should I walk by again?
161.
(Use index finger to call someone over then
say) I made you come with one finger,
imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
162.
I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to
pick the sheets out of your *ss when I'm
finished.
163.
Will you marry me and have my children?
164.
I want to thank you for [insert any event
here], grab your ankles b*tch!
165.
Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look
just like Venus de Milo.
166.
Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap
gravy?
167.
That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were
on you, I'd be coming too.
168.
Can I see your tan lines?
169.
I'm not trying anything, I always put my
hands there.
170.
You know how they say skin is the largest
organ? Not in my case.
171.
(leaning over to whisper) I think about you
when I masturbate.
172.
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you
might as well be there.
173.
I'll bet you $50 I could get all your
clothes off in 30 seconds.
174.
I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to
stare at beautiful women.
175.
Hi. You'll do.
176.
Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you
are...gorgeous!
177.
Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you
Sandy? Really, what time?
178.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure
have tied my heart in a knot.
179.
Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like
to?
180.
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there
be anything in it for me?
181.
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a
nut in your hole?
182.
That dress looks great on you...as a matter
of fact, so would I.
183.
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are
shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
184.
Pardon me, are you in heat?!
185.
You know, I never was to good at math...like
if I put you and I together, I'd get 69.
186.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you
get!
187.
You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect
square?
188.
Was your father a farmer? Because you sure
have grown some nice melons!
189.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
190.
Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around
my head and wear you like a feed bag!
191.
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as
earmuffs.
192.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just
my heart taking off?
193.
When she asks, "What do you think of this
(dress, sweater, blouse, etc.)" Say: I like
nothing better.
194.
At the dinner table, if you eat together,
pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?"
195.
That's a really nice smile you've got, shame
that's not all you are wearing.
196.
Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab
your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a
gem!"
197.
(Good looking waitress pouring a drink) Say
when! As soon as I finish this drink.
198.
Lie down. I think I love you.
199.
What's a nice girl like you doing with a
face like that?
200.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your
love.
 
What the Fuck

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